WHEN Meagan gave one big final push, her long-awaited daughter finally made her grand entrance into the world.
But while many mums report experiencing a flood of happiness after the safe arrival of their little one, for Meagan, her birthing experience was totally different – instead, she was convinced she’d been “possessed” by a demon.
Now, Meagan, from Texas, who was 24 at the time and had been training at nursing school, has opened up about how her untreated postpartum depression led to severe postpartum psychosis.
POSSESSED BY EVIL
“I was shaking and I was just enveloped – just completely consumed with darkness, evil, darkness, sadness,” she said, speaking to the We’re All Insane podcast about the emotions she felt straight after giving birth.
While everyone left her side to rush to the baby, Meagan, who had opted for an epidural, was left laying there by herself, staring up at the ceiling.
“I was depressed just immediately,” she recalled. “I was convinced that I was just possessed by a demon – there’s no way that I’m just sad all of a sudden.”
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People mentioned the term ‘baby blues‘ and reassured her it was normal to feel tearful for one or two weeks following birth due to a rush in hormones.
But despite being told it’d likely resolve itself, deep down, Meagan, who didn’t inform anyone about the demons she believed had possessed her, knew it wasn’t just that.
I was depressed just immediately. And so I was convinced that I was just possessed by a demon
Meagan,
As she continued smiling at the cameras being pointed in her face, Meagan just remembers feeling “fake”.
Behind her smiles was a worry that people could see the demon that she believed was inside her. Feeling numb and scared, tears flowed, but Meagan played it down and insisted she was feeling emotional.
LEAVING THE HOSPITAL
Back at home, her now ex-husband’s three children, who lived with them, were excited to meet their new baby sister for the first time.
But what they’d anticipated to be an exciting and beautiful moment, turned out to be the complete opposite.
Meagan didn’t want them touching her baby.
“I immediately was like, ‘Ew, no, no, like don’t touch her. Don’t look at her,’” she recalled.
It was only after her ex-husband reassured her that it was all okay and they knew how to hold a baby that Meagan finally agreed.
“But I just had this thought in the back of my mind that I didn’t like them. I didn’t want them to touch her,” she said. “I thought that they’d hurt her, that they’d make her bad.”
Just stacks of dirty baby diapers…hundreds and hundreds of them
Meagan,
The children were only around five, seven and eight at the time, but Meagan’s feelings only got stronger.
“I just had this feeling that I didn’t want them around her at all,” she explained. “I didn’t want them to be my husband’s children. I wanted her to be my husband’s only child.”
The thoughts she was having scared Meagan, but she told herself she was just jealous and reminded herself of how much she loved the three children and her husband.
RETURN OF THE DEMON
When it came to bedtime, Meagan remembers hearing a “rustling” in the corner of the room and believed there was something evil that was going to get them.
She convinced her ex-husband that they should all sleep in the living room by complaining that their bed was too tall and she wanted to be closer to their daughter.
He agreed, unaware that Meagan believed she’d been possessed by demons, and they remained there until their daughter was around three-months-old.
WHAT IS POSTPARTUM PSYCHOSIS
Postpartum psychosis is a serious mental illness which will affect most mums within two weeks of giving birth.
It should be treated as a medical emergency – and can get rapidly worse if not treated.
In the worst cases, psychosis could cause a new mum to harm her baby or herself.
The two main symptoms are hallucinations, seeing or hearing things which aren’t there, and delusions, having thoughts or beliefs that are unlikely to be true (e.g. that you’ve won the lottery).
Other symptoms include:
- Hallucinations
- Delusions
- High mood/mania: talking too quickly, feeling ‘on top of the world’ or being more sociable than normal
- Low mood/depression: being withdrawn, tearful, anxious, irritable, and having low energy levels, loss of appetite and trouble sleeping
- Loss of inhibitions
- Paranoia
- Restlessness or agitation
- Severe confusion
DIRTY NAPPIES
In the midst of the turmoil she was quietly experiencing, Meagan told how she kept all of her daughter’s baby diapers in boxes.
“Just stacks of dirty baby diapers…hundreds and hundreds of them,” she said, all kept in the back bedroom that no one went into.
It was only when she started feeling a little better when her daughter was around four or five months old that she started throwing them out.
DARK THOUGHTS
When Meagan’s daughter was just six-days-old, the new mum returned to nursing school and had to leave her baby at her mum’s house.
On the car journey she recalled how she felt all alone and described it as the “worst feeling of my entire life,” which is when she experienced one of her first intrusive thoughts.
“I was like, what if I just wrecked just wreck this car?” she recalled thinking. “Then I could be in the hospital and I won’t have to go anywhere ever again.
“They’ll just let me be in the hospital and I’ll have a baby and I’ll just sit and hold her all the time.”
As time passed and she continued on route to nursing school, the thoughts got worse and she continued to experience suicidal ideations.
She’d been told she’d start feeling better but that just hadn’t happened for Meagan and she worried about the idea of having to live with the demon inside her forever.
By the time she reached six weeks postpartum, Meagan was feeling totally overwhelmed and stopped wanting to leave the house altogether.
YOU’RE NOT ALONE
EVERY 90 minutes in the UK a life is lost to suicide.
It doesn’t discriminate, touching the lives of people in every corner of society – from the homeless and unemployed to builders and doctors, reality stars and footballers.
It’s the biggest killer of people under the age of 35, more deadly than cancer and car crashes.
Yet it’s rarely spoken of, a taboo that threatens to continue its deadly rampage unless we all stop and take notice, now.
That is why The Sun launched the You’re Not Alone campaign.
The aim is that by sharing practical advice, raising awareness and breaking down the barriers people face when talking about their mental health, we can all do our bit to help save lives.
Let’s all vow to ask for help when we need it, and listen out for others… You’re Not Alone.
If you, or anyone you know, needs help dealing with mental health problems, the following organisations provide support:
It wasn’t until her daughter was eight-months-old that Meagan woke up scared after experiencing a dark dream that she acknowledged she needed to get help.
Immediately booking herself a doctor’s appointment, she saw the nurse practitioner and reeled off how she’d been feeling.
She was prescribed medication and booked a follow up appointment with the doctor, before going on to slowly recover.
Now, Meagan, who is no longer on medication and only very recently told her mother and ex-husband what she went through at the time, is speaking out to help others who may be going through similar.
The mum, who has been with her current partner for six years and would love to have another baby in the future, added: “So many people have said, ‘I had postpartum depression, too. I’m so proud of you. I haven’t told anybody.’
“And I’m like, ‘Well, we’re going out there, girls.’ We are speaking.”