Q My husband and I have been together for six years (it’s a second marriage for both of us) and, most of the time, we get on well. We share interests, make each other laugh, and people often say we seem solid.
But whenever anything awkward comes up – especially about the children from our previous marriages, or money – he shuts down completely. He’ll go quiet, walk out or bury himself in his phone. If I try to talk it through, he says, ‘I don’t want to argue’ or insists it’s ‘not a big deal’. I end up feeling shut out and dismissed, while he acts as if nothing’s happened.
We never really resolve things, we just smooth them over until the same issue crops up again. I’ve told him how hurtful it feels, but he just says he doesn’t like confrontation. I’m starting to wonder if we can ever really be open with each other.
His refusal to engage is itself a kind of confrontation as it denies you a voice
A Your husband’s instinct is to avoid conflict at all costs, so perhaps past rows have left him feeling anxious or defeated. But in trying to protect himself from confrontation he’s also closing you off emotionally. His refusal to engage is itself a kind of confrontation as it denies you a voice. Silence may feel safer to him, but it prevents real intimacy between you from growing.
How couples handle disagreement is often key to a relationship’s long-term survival, so you’re right not to let things fester. Choose a calm moment to explain that you’re not trying to argue, you simply want to understand him better.
Couples counselling (relate.org.uk or bacp.co.uk) might be needed to resolve this. A therapist can show you both how to communicate and disagree safely, and avoid repeating patterns from past relationships.
Q I am 41 and finally pregnant after six years of trying to conceive. My husband and I are, of course, ecstatic – and our friends and family are delighted for us. However, there is a fly in the ointment.
Following the 12-week scan, I decided to tell the people I work with. This includes one woman who I know has also been trying for a baby for about four years and has had several miscarriages. We became quite good friends because of our shared sadness.
However, even though I told this woman of my news as gently as I could – taking care to tell her first so she didn’t hear it from someone else – she has taken it very badly. She has completely blanked me. She won’t make eye contact and communicates only when she needs to for work, usually via email.
It is so difficult and I feel bad for her. I don’t expect her to be happy for me, that would be too much to ask, and I know that I would probably feel gutted if the situation was reversed. However, I also feel blamed for something that isn’t my fault.
If people ask about my pregnancy, I feel I have to play down my excitement. It is making me dread going into work. It’s a long time to get through until I go on maternity leave.
A This must be so upsetting for you. After years of heartbreak and uncertainty, you should be able to feel nothing but joy and relief at this longed-for pregnancy. Yet your colleague’s reaction has left you feeling guilty for being happy, which is deeply unfair. Remind yourself that you have done nothing wrong. You were sensitive and considerate in how you broke the news.
Sadly, you cannot control her response. When someone is living with infertility or miscarriage, hearing that a friend has conceived can stir a complex mix of grief, envy, longing and self-blame. Even if she genuinely wants happiness for you, your news may have reopened her own pain in a way that feels unbearable. By blanking you, she is not punishing you, she is protecting herself by keeping an emotional distance.
The best thing you can do is to give her space while keeping things polite and professional. Perhaps you could send a short message to acknowledge the tension, saying that you know this must be very hard for her and that you care about her feelings, but you understand if she doesn’t feel able to talk to you or be around you much at the moment. Even if she doesn’t respond right now, she will appreciate that simple kindness.
In the meantime, please allow yourself to enjoy your pregnancy and to share your happiness with your husband, your own parents, friends etc. You sound immensely tactful already, so continue on that path (perhaps discuss baby matters only when she’s out of earshot). You are allowed to be happy – you deserve it.