AFTER an exhausting labour and holding her baby boy for the first time, Yennhi Hoang was not hit by the wave of love she had expected.
It was a far cry from the idea of motherhood she had grown up with, and one of the many reasons why she chose to give primary custody of her son, Asher, to his father, James, when they split.
Yennhi Hoang, 31, a mentor from Salt Lake City, Utah, says she was wracked with guilt after making the decision when her son was just five.
But when she made an Instagram video revealing why she had chosen to only see her son a handful of days a month, she was viciously attacked.
She told The Sun: “The comments came thick and fast.
“People said that it was a disgusting thing to do and called me a deadbeat mum.
“It was as if I’d said that I’d just abandoned my son on the side of the road! I wish people would take a moment to really listen to my journey.”
Yennhi grew up in a community where motherhood was celebrated.
She says: “As a girl and then a teenager, I believed that being a mum was the greatest achievement of your life.
“When I thought about the future, it always included me happily raising kids.”
And when she was 21 and met James* at the gym, that didn’t change.
“After we went from friendship to love, we decided to try for a baby around a year and a half into the relationship,” she says.
“Seeing the positive pregnancy test was such a happy moment.
“We’d already moved 90 minutes from Salt Lake City, Utah, to a small town which felt like the perfect place to start a family.
“I could see myself cooking organic meals from scratch and being a happy homeschooling mum.”
‘I just felt blank’
Then that blissful vision hit reality in 2020.
“My labour was exhausting and went on for days,” Yennhi says, who delivered naturally and unmedicated.
“By the time Asher* was born, I was so tired I was struggling to keep my eyes open.
“He was beautiful, but instead of a wave of love when I first held him, I just felt blank.”
With James on paternity leave, things were good.
I’d bonded with Asher but still had flashes of regret at becoming a mum, something no one else seemed to be feeling.
Yennhi Hoang
She says: “The three of us were in a happy cocoon.
“But as the weeks passed, I began to struggle. I loved my job as a therapist and wanted to be back at work, to go back to feeling ‘me’ again.
“I had three months of maternity leave but decided to return early, ten weeks after Asher was born.”
Yennhi saw other mums leaving their children at nursery each morning, in tears and wracked with guilt.
She adds: “I felt so separate from them, like I was from another planet.
“I’d bonded with Asher but still had flashes of regret at becoming a mum, something no one else seemed to be feeling.”
Despite being a community mental health therapist herself, Yennhi didn’t realise that she was struggling with post-natal depression.
It wasn’t until Asher was one, and Yennhi was training to become a perinatal mental health therapist, that she realised.
“I looked at the list of symptoms and realised how many I was experiencing,” she says.
“But even with an official diagnosis, I struggled. I was living on autopilot, and even with James being kind and patient, I was still very unhappy.”
Then, just after her 26th birthday, when Asher was two, Yennhi attended an event organised by a women’s empowerment group.
She says: “In that supportive, quiet space, I could really understand what I wanted from my life.
“I’d spent years wondering if I might be bisexual. Suddenly I heard myself saying ‘I think I’m gay.’”
It was a realisation that was to change everything.
Sometimes I’d ask myself, did I even deserve to be recognised as a mum anymore?
Yennhi Hoang
Yennhi explains: “I was able to tell James how I was feeling.
“He was hurt and upset, which I understood, and for weeks we tried to find a way through.
“After all, we still cared about each other.
“We even talked about possibly opening up our relationship. But I realised that I couldn’t properly explore my sexuality and discover what I really needed, if we stayed together.”
That’s when James made a surprising suggestion.
She explains: “He said, ‘If you need me to take full custody of Asher while you go and do your thing for a while, I’m fine with that’.
“I felt such a flood of relief at his words. This was my chance to take the space I needed to figure myself out.
“I knew that Asher had an amazing support network, with a nanny, friend and family. And most importantly, he had an amazing dad. He would be safe and loved.”
‘Guilt and shame hit me’
A plan quickly fell into place.
Yennhi explains: “James would have primary custody, with me taking Asher eight days a month over the weekends.
“I texted a friend who immediately offered me a bed at her house back in Salt Lake City, 90 minutes from our family home.”
There were no emotional goodbyes as she packed up her car the next morning.
After a FaceTime when Asher became confused or when James would tell me he was struggling with tantrums, I’d ask myself, how can I do this to my child?
Yennhi Hoang
Yennhi says: “It wasn’t until I was at her house, watching her three young sons running around happily, that the guilt and shame hit me and I broke down in tears.
“But despite being overwhelmed with grief at leaving Asher, I felt deep down that I’d made the right decision.”
Her close friends, those with and without children themselves, agreed.
She says: “They told me, ‘It will be great. This way, you’ll get the week to yourself, and then you can give Asher 100 per cent when you’re with him’.
“But that wasn’t what happened. James would drive Asher to me on a Saturday, and after an exhausting week at work, I was so tired and numb that I couldn’t enjoy us being together.
“It was awful to be wishing the weekend was over, I felt so guilty.”
As the months passed, there was regret as well as guilt.
Yennhi says: “After a FaceTime when Asher became confused or when James would tell me he was struggling with tantrums, I’d ask myself, how can I do this to my child?”
“I just kept moving forward, hoping that soon we’d all feel better. But that just didn’t happen.”
At the same time, Yennhi was living in what she calls ‘a strange limbo.’
She says: “I wasn’t a single mum doing it all alone or a divorced mum with primary custody. It was like I didn’t fit in anywhere.
“Sometimes I’d ask myself, did I even deserve to be recognised as a mum anymore?
“Lots of my friends were really amazing, they saw my struggles and didn’t judge me. I only lost one friend, who was a single mum herself and was having a hard time.
“She thought I had all this freedom that she didn’t. It was hard for her to understand that yes, I’d chosen this, but it meant dealing with so much painful shame and guilt.”
‘Having extra time made me happier’
It took a year of struggling for Yennhi to realise that she needed to make a change.
She says: “I admitted the painful truth to myself. I needed more time each month when I wasn’t either with Asher or working.
“If I had a few more days to really care for myself, then I could be truly present when I was with Asher.”
James fully supported the plan, and so Yennhi reduced the number of days with Asher each month from eight to six.
She says: “It gave me the breathing space I so desperately needed, to rest, see friends, or just to be alone and cry.
“But it came at a price. Even though it was improving the time I did spend with Asher, I had to deal with even more guilt.”
It took another two years for Yennhi to accept that this change was the right one, for her and Asher.
“I know that many people don’t understand,” she admits.
No one raises an eyebrow if a dad is only spending six days a month with their child
Yenni Hoang
“The world tells us that when you become a mum, you immediately have to sacrifice everything about yourself for your child, however unhappy it makes you.
“But it isn’t that simple. Having that extra time made me a happier, calmer woman, and that made me a better, more loving mother. We both benefited so much.”
That didn’t stop the online critics. When Yennhi posted about it on Instagram in December, she faced backlash.
“People said that I was a selfish, deadbeat mum, that I’d simply abandoned Asher,” she says.
“It did sting at first to read those comments.
“But it also led me to connect with other women who did understand, who felt relief that someone was finally admitting to not always enjoying every moment of motherhood.”
Yennhi is proud to have those conversations, however controversial they might be.
Single Parent Facts and Figures
Single parent charity Gingerbread is fighting to create a society where all single parents and their children thrive. These are the organisation’s latest figures on single parenthood…
- There are two million single parents with dependent children in the UK, 89% of which are headed up by single mums
- A depressing 44% of children in single parent families are in poverty compared to 26% in couple families
- Around 13% of single parent households with dependent children used a food bank in the last 12 months compared to 3% of couple households with dependent children
- Less than 1% of single parents are teenagers, and this continues to decline – with the average age of a single parent in the UK being 39-years-old
- Research found that 36% of single parent families with dependent children have no savings, compared to 17% of couple families with dependent children
She says: “No one raises an eyebrow if a dad is only spending six days a month with their child.
“When a woman does it? She is monstrous. It’s a ridiculous double standard, and I’m happy to be calling it out.”
Asher is surrounded by love and support when he is with James, she says, and has an engaged, fulfilled mother when he is with Yennhi.
She says: “I still have difficult moments, like when Asher says he misses me or asks to stay for two nights instead of one. But we work through those together.
“And I’m not worried about Asher learning the journey I’ve been on when he’s older. There’s nothing wrong with kids knowing their parents have been through tricky times.”
With her extra time and energy, Yennhi was able to change her career, giving up her therapy license and becoming a self-expression mentor.
She adds: “Asher, now five, is safe and loved and now has a mum who is calm, happy and fulfilled. Isn’t that something every child deserves?”
*Names have been changed
Follow Yennhi on Instagram at @wild_womanhood